Reshared post from +Billy Wilson
I’m Fighting Battles; My Current Fight with Depression
I’m going to be blunt with you guys, I’m in a hole and shit in my life has hit the fan. I’m going through the hardest time in my life where reality and adult life has hit me in the face like a brick. I have to learn to accept that I have a learning disability among other issues which I’ve been mentioning in my latest videos (Getting to Know Billy Wilson Personally). Throughout my life I’ve tried to escape my issues, bury myself in schoolwork, and try to excel academically. I have ADHD, depression, anxiety disorder, likely a mood disorder & I’m going to be reassessed for other things over the next little while. These aren’t things you can wish away or forget about. They are there your entire life and you need to figure out how to deal with them.
I’m so dysfunctional I don’t even have a comprehension of what normal is. Trying to fit into society is hard when it doesn’t even make sense to you. Regardless, I’m not allowing myself to feel defeated by reality. I’m pushing onward in my own direction no matter what. I create a show, share content and passions, and I intend to continue doing what I’m passionate about.
I’ve been making a list of reasons why I matter to battle suicidal thoughts. One of the thoughts I had today was “There are two battles, the one fought in real life and the one fought in your head.” This is true for me since I’m failing the conventional battle in real life. I have nothing but a computer, an internet connection, a cat, dreams, & whoever is reading this. I’m on welfare while fighting for disability support from my provincial government. I feel completely dehumanized and unable to ignore or escape the reality of my situation. I can’t just pretend I’m normal. I need to fill out reports of all my earnings for the welfare office so they can calculate how much to give me next month. I need to tell the lawyer about my issues, I need to fill out forms surrounding my disability & issues with working. I’m constantly reminded and completely aggravated by my inability to JUST BE WHAT A NORMAL HUMAN SHOULD BE. To think this way it makes you want to die. I feel like a failure as a human.
There’s hope in the battle being fought in my head. I’m able to rationalize and view my situation and options in different ways in my mind. Lately I’ve had to ensure I don’t allow my grip to slip since I’ve been becoming immobilized by depression some days completely unable to do anything but lie on my bed (I feel so helpless & trapped). The only way to prevent this is to rationalize every time I feel like I’m about to slip into this state. With effort I can feel however I want despite my situation. I can be homeless with no hope but choose to smile because I’m actually alive.
I’m going in a direction that’s not conventionally suggested. I firmly believe in a site called Patreon as a way for me to build up a base financially to get me out of the hole and enable me to continue doing my show. It’s a site that supports artists & creators by allowing you to help fund each thing they create by becoming a patron. I’m currently making nearly $25 per weekly episode (this is all I make other than spontaneous donations). The goal I’m striving towards is raising the amount per weekly episode up to around $130-$150. Doing this will allow me to afford living with my parents and get off of welfare (100% of this money is going towards living costs). In other words, it’ll get me out of the hole enough to actually breathe and not worry about basic survival. It’ll give me a base to start at. In helping me you’re helping me win one of my battles.
Just like I can’t allow myself to slip mentally I can’t allow myself to stop striving to build myself up on Patreon. Your pledges are like pledges of belief in me. You’re not only investing into someone doing something online, you’re investing into who I am and believing in me. You can find my Patreon page with more info here: patreon.com/billywilson Even the smallest amount makes a great difference.
These are words to live by, in my opinion. This is my truth. This is how I try to behave and how I wish to be treated.
Excerpted from Please Understand Me II
Copyright © 1998 by David Keirsey
If I do not want what you want, please try not to tell me that my want is wrong.
Or if I believe other than you, at least pause before you correct my view.
Or if my emotion is less than yours, or more, given the same circumstances, try not to ask me to feel more strongly or weakly.
Or yet if I act, or fail to act, in the manner of your design for action, let me be.
I do not, for the moment at least, ask you to understand me.
That will come only when you are willing to give up changing me into a copy of you.
I may be your spouse, your parent, your offspring, your friend, or your colleague.
If you will allow me any of my own wants, or emotions, or beliefs, or actions, then you open yourself, so that some day these ways of mine might not seem so wrong, and might finally appear to you as right — for me.
To put up with me is the first step to understanding me.
Not that you embrace my ways as right for you, but that you are no longer irritated or disappointed with me for my seeming waywardness.
And in understanding me you might come to prize my differences from you, and, far from seeking to change me, preserve and even nurture those differences.”
I need that and it seems to be very hard to come by. Simple acceptance, not advice or how to fix myself. I can google plenty of self help articles or buy books on the subject, if I’m so inclined.
I can see why people sometimes disallow comments in certain situations because instead of just offering their acceptance, some people try to offer advice on how they think you ( people in general ) are supposed to be. That’s not love and support, that’s judgment in many cases. Of course there are people who are genuine and well meaning too but the effect is still the same. You feel judged and I personally don’t care for that feeling so in most cases I stay silent because I am unwilling to open myself up to that. If I want your advice, I’ll ask for it.
It sucks, it shouldn’t be that way. ” I get where your coming from even if I don’t feel that same way ” ” I see you and hear you” instead of you should do something this way or you should think that way ,you should lose weight, gain weight, eat organic, be more positive, be more cynical, be something other than how you are, how you were made.
It comes down to someone(s) invalidating your feelings because they feel they are wrong. Don’t try to fix someone else unless they ask, love them as they are, flaws and all.
* To be clear I’m not proclaiming to be perfect in this regard, but I honestly try and do everything I can to be aware of what I say to someone. Sometimes you can’t help but judge, but you can choose to keep your thoughts to yourself or expressing it in a safe space out of consideration.
When “fixing” leaves everyone broken (with update) | FemCentral
We are only experts about our own lives. Do not offer advice.
I asked him if it was alright to hang a picture in his store in the hopes ( dear God please someone buy the damn thing ) that someone will buy it. I live along a lake as do most of the people in my small area ( we live on a little peninsula ) and this is one of the most powerful sunsets I’ve had the pleasure of imaging. These folks love themselves some lake, so I figured it was a natural fit.
I got myself a frame ( 11 x 14 I believe ) to put this sucker in but now I’m faced with the decision of matting. To tell you the truth I don’t really like matting. Perhaps I’m a simpleton but I prefer the way a picture looks sans mat. I get that it’s not very “professional” even though I hate the damned things and it adds yet more cost to this little project.
From what I can suss out I need to have a mat that’s 11×14 with an 8×10 window. Is that proper? I have some snobby ass photogs around here so I don’t want it to be all jacked up. Thinking of one of these types ( I even ran into a guys wife who was snobby on his behalf LOL) going in the store all Judgy McJudge pants and talking smack riles me right up. So this has to be decent. Cheap frame is one thing, bad mat format is another ( right? ).
I’m already stuck with a very expensive ( an umatted) custom frame I have NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH. For this very same purpose ! I’m in the hole in a big way and I don’t want to be carting this thing home like I did my glorious 11×17 frame and print.
I had this light bulb moment ( it was a dim epiphany but it still counts ) that I’ll just find the right color value for green make a huge image and put it on the TV ! I was doing a little “I’m so clever dance” because it even solves the problem of being evenly lit. Well, for photos –in a pinch it’ll do, maybe.
I’m looking to do this with video though and my happy dance turned into a slumpy slump when I realized I had forgotten about the dreaded screen flicker . So yeah – that’s not going to work. The funniest part is that when I tried to import it into a couple video programs all I got was ( guess what?) a green screen. Not the green I was looking for either lol
Yes, it is very bright!