Reshared post from +Billy Wilson
I’m Fighting Battles; My Current Fight with Depression
I’m going to be blunt with you guys, I’m in a hole and shit in my life has hit the fan. I’m going through the hardest time in my life where reality and adult life has hit me in the face like a brick. I have to learn to accept that I have a learning disability among other issues which I’ve been mentioning in my latest videos (Getting to Know Billy Wilson Personally). Throughout my life I’ve tried to escape my issues, bury myself in schoolwork, and try to excel academically. I have ADHD, depression, anxiety disorder, likely a mood disorder & I’m going to be reassessed for other things over the next little while. These aren’t things you can wish away or forget about. They are there your entire life and you need to figure out how to deal with them.
I’m so dysfunctional I don’t even have a comprehension of what normal is. Trying to fit into society is hard when it doesn’t even make sense to you. Regardless, I’m not allowing myself to feel defeated by reality. I’m pushing onward in my own direction no matter what. I create a show, share content and passions, and I intend to continue doing what I’m passionate about.
I’ve been making a list of reasons why I matter to battle suicidal thoughts. One of the thoughts I had today was “There are two battles, the one fought in real life and the one fought in your head.” This is true for me since I’m failing the conventional battle in real life. I have nothing but a computer, an internet connection, a cat, dreams, & whoever is reading this. I’m on welfare while fighting for disability support from my provincial government. I feel completely dehumanized and unable to ignore or escape the reality of my situation. I can’t just pretend I’m normal. I need to fill out reports of all my earnings for the welfare office so they can calculate how much to give me next month. I need to tell the lawyer about my issues, I need to fill out forms surrounding my disability & issues with working. I’m constantly reminded and completely aggravated by my inability to JUST BE WHAT A NORMAL HUMAN SHOULD BE. To think this way it makes you want to die. I feel like a failure as a human.
There’s hope in the battle being fought in my head. I’m able to rationalize and view my situation and options in different ways in my mind. Lately I’ve had to ensure I don’t allow my grip to slip since I’ve been becoming immobilized by depression some days completely unable to do anything but lie on my bed (I feel so helpless & trapped). The only way to prevent this is to rationalize every time I feel like I’m about to slip into this state. With effort I can feel however I want despite my situation. I can be homeless with no hope but choose to smile because I’m actually alive.
I’m going in a direction that’s not conventionally suggested. I firmly believe in a site called Patreon as a way for me to build up a base financially to get me out of the hole and enable me to continue doing my show. It’s a site that supports artists & creators by allowing you to help fund each thing they create by becoming a patron. I’m currently making nearly $25 per weekly episode (this is all I make other than spontaneous donations). The goal I’m striving towards is raising the amount per weekly episode up to around $130-$150. Doing this will allow me to afford living with my parents and get off of welfare (100% of this money is going towards living costs). In other words, it’ll get me out of the hole enough to actually breathe and not worry about basic survival. It’ll give me a base to start at. In helping me you’re helping me win one of my battles.
Just like I can’t allow myself to slip mentally I can’t allow myself to stop striving to build myself up on Patreon. Your pledges are like pledges of belief in me. You’re not only investing into someone doing something online, you’re investing into who I am and believing in me. You can find my Patreon page with more info here: patreon.com/billywilson Even the smallest amount makes a great difference.